Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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