Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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