he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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