i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
