God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
