just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
