There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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