i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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