My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize