I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
