Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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