I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
