i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
