I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
