Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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