I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
