You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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