I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
