I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
