While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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