you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
