Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
