sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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