you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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