I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
