Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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