My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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