So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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