Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
