If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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