Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
