I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
