I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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