Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize