i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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