In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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