Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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