Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
