Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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