Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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