Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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