You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
