a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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