he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
