From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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