he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
