UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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