Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
