Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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