she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize