If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
