you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
