he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
