we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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