i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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