He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
