Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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