Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
