gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
