I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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