omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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