No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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