I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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