May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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