We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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