Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
