Betty ford says i'm here all night
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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