Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
