Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
