my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You have to summon your inner elephant
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize