from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
