Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
